You're All Watching

She was killing herself.
And everybody watched.
She had a self-destructive lifestyle and they just accepted her lies (lieslieslies I'm such a liar)
They saw the dark circles under her eyes, she yawned, she said she was tired even though she'd gotten out of bed at eleven in the morning. They knew that she liked to go on the computer latelatelate at night and disobey them. She told them she'd had a nightmare and they believed her (stupidstupidstupid because I always lielielie)
They knew she was overweight. She wore sizes bigger than she ought to at her age and she never exercised. She was obese –as the doctor put it- and she wasn't doing anything about it. Her mother gave her a stern look and said (her eyes were cold and she crossed her arms and something inside me was cryingcryingcrying) that the girl weighed more than the mother had when she was a decade older and pregnant. (and something inside me was dyingdyingdying)
She told them that she loved herself too much to change. She was stubborn, stuck in her ways, didn't want to listen to anyone else (her pride was the size of the moon) she didn't need their help. Her mother wanted her to get on a treadmill, eat vegetables, etc., reasonable requests. She wanted her daughter to be healthy and happy (but I'm happy just the way I am thankyouverymuch) but honestly said daughter though that was bullcrap. (I'm in the water and its deepdeepdeep and you're just watching me drown and you're laughinglaughinglaughing)
Her friends knew that she didn't eat lunch at school but accepted when she said she didn't have any money (I don't want you to see me eateateat) and she just did the homework she should've done last night, sleeping in class rather than at home and on the computer rather than sleeping. It was sick. (It's sick I'm sick I am sicksicksick)
She wanted to change, she really did (I wanna be normal and happy and healthy and finefinefine) but she knew she wasn't worthy. She wanted to destroy this thing that she hated and that thing was her own self. (I hate you! Why don't you just die? DIEDIEDIEDIE-) so she lived in this surreal life where she did nothing. She lashed out in anger and pushed her friends away (Because I don't need friends they're too good for me I'm nothing I'll just hurt them because I can't help it!) pushing them to the boundaries of their friendship before groveling and pulling them back sharply. (Pleasepleaseplease don't leave me I am so alone)
It was a vicious cycle but it was quiet and no one even knew (you'll never know that I'm dyingdyingdying because you're so stupidstupidstupid to see through my lieslieslies and you're laughinglaughinglaughing as I'm fallingfallingfalling and it's so deepdeepdeep and I can't see the bottom) because it was a soft kind of suicide that creeps up on you so fast you didn't even know it was there and then they're dead and you're standing there wondering what the hell just happened because the person was so happy and they were doing fine and they were happy and eating and talking and laughing and now they're dead (deaddeaddead) and you want them back but you can't because they're gone and you are to blame because you didn't see (you didn't even know) that she was dying and crying and falling on the inside and all you saw was the face (smilingsmilingsmiling) and she was Just. Right. There.
She's killing herself subtly and you don't even know it. Right now she's going to eat and pretend that what she's eating isn't killing her and stay up and pretend that the lack of sleep isn't killing her and cry into her pillow and pretend that being alive isn't killing her.
I'm killing myself.
And you're all watching.