Cancer

        Turn away.
        
I know you rejected me. I know, I was there. But still… I still want you here with me. You don't love me, I know. I know you don't because you told me that you'd never… never like me like that. That's fine. I really don't care about all of that now. I just need you here.

        If you could get me a drink of water…

And here you are. You are right here, beside me, where you should be. You belong right here. Or, is it me that belongs next to you? I always have been, you know. I went through all of our old messages, all the old stories, the drawings, and the letters, all of it. And it was there all along.

        …'cause my lips are chapped and faded.

I've always loved you, I think. Maybe I just didn't know what kind of love it was, but I've always loved you. Since the moment I met you I loved you. You protect me. You care for me. You were like an older sister to me and I think I've always loved you for that. And, you know what? I think I always will.

        Call my Aunt Marie.

I don't know if you comprehend what I have for you. I don't think you ever could, Alex. You told me that I could talk myself out of it, so I know you can't understand. What is there, without you? What part of me is left if you remove you? You are the integral part of my system, the cornerstone, the support beams. Without you, I think that the whole of me would tumble down and collapse around what's left of my soul. You didn't really think of it like that, did you?

        Help her gather all my things…

Am I that large of a part of you? I don't really think so. Without me, you'd do fine. Without me you will do fine. Because I think I'm going to have to leave soon because living without you is like living with a missing part and my operating system is just not working right anymore. You save me.

        …and bury me in all my favorite colors.

Don't bury me. Don't let them bury me. I don't want to be locked underground; under six feet of dirt and earth and mud. I don't think I could bear it. I am a being of air and fire and I always will be. My head is in the clouds and my heart is on fire and I can't function any other way. I am a phoenix, Alex, and I need to be burnt. I need to rise up the ashes like the sun being born again.

        My sisters and my brothers,

I really don't want to partake of incest, so could we please not be sisters anymore? It's gross and kind of creepy and the way I feel about you scares me enough already, seeing that we are both girls and this is such a new and different kind of love than I have with anyone else.

        Still…

Please don't leave me. I can't stand it because you are the dark. I can't sleep when it's light out and I don't want to go towards the light, I want to stay in the dark where it's safe. There are other monsters in here, in the dark, but I know that you won't let them hurt me.

        …I will not kiss you.

I wish I could. Just once. Just to see if it was anything or everything I thought it might be. I wish I could see if you taste how I thought you would or if you're as soft as you pretend you're not. I just want to see if you fit against me just right or if I was made for you. I need to see if you're as cold as you act or if you're as warm as I know you are.

        'Cause the hardest part of this…

It hurts now. I don't know whether the pain is coming from all that's happening to my tired body or the damage you are continuously dealing to my bleeding heart. All I know is there's an ache in my chest and my eyes are welling with tears. I can't even see anymore because the whole world is blurry.

        …is leavin' you.

Don't leave me. Did I already ask that? I can't remember because the days, nights, weeks, are running together. I don't know the last time I talked to you. Was it yesterday? Three days ago? Maybe it was a whole week ago. I wouldn't know because the time without you fades away.

        Now turn away.

You're avoiding me. I know you are, I just can tell. You haven't returned my calls, my texts, or any of my emails. When I reach out you are simply not there. It's odd because you've always, always, been there for me. You were there even when I didn't need you. But now I do. I need you more than I ever have. But you hate me now.

        'Cause I'm awful just to see,

I know what am now, what I feel now, is sickening to you. Not directly, just the feelings presence of them in me isn't enough to deter you. But the fact that they're for you is what turns you away. You don't like me like that and that's perfectly fine. I can live with unrequited feelings as long as you're still my friend. All I need is you is proximity to you and my own heart can wait.

        'cause all my hairs abandoned all my body.

Don't try to tell me that what I feel you is just 'friendship' love or 'sisterly' love. I know its not now. I used to think it was. But then someone looked of a doodle that I had drawn of you and told me how much I must love you. I said that yeah you were like a sister. They glanced at the drawing again and said that I must have one messed up family.

        Oh, my agony…

The way you've been treating me hurts. I just want you to know that. You don't need to change, I'd never ask you to. I couldn't. It goes against everything I've ever known and any thing I've ever felt. I must adhere to the golden rule, and I don't want to ever change.

        Know that I will never marry,

I don't think I've ever thought of my life after college. Marriage has never even crossed my mind, never mind who with. I think I wouldn't like it. I don't like living in such close quarters to people and I like being alone. I revel in the freedom that comes with solitude. But, with you, I don't think I would mind. Not like we could ever marry anyway. And not saying I'd want to.

        Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo.

My feelings are drowning me and I am so frightened. I'm lost in a sea of emotion and can't swim anymore. My arms are tired and I'm sick of trying to grow gills. I can't survive in this storm much longer but I will for as long as you need me to. I think I'd do it forever if I had to, but I might go insane waiting.

        But countin' down the days to go.

I wonder when time stopped mattering. I am a creature of habit and days just sort of blur together after a long while of doing the same thing. I don't know when I stopped caring what happened to me either. When you completely took over my consciousness and invaded ever single thought. I still have free will, though. I can still defy you, even I f I don't want to.

        It just ain't livin'!

I miss you. There's a large hole in my heart. But, I am lucky, for I am me. I can't think of that all the time. Sure, I think about it often, but sometimes I forget and sweet peace is allowed to my chaotic mind. You do this to me. You make my heart leap and my stomach twist and there's this block welling up inside my throat that's either my heart or my tears.

        And I just hope you know…

You will never know how much I feel for you. Its like you've carved out my torso with a spoon and I won't ever be able to recover such a crucial part of me. I'll yell, shout, scream at you for all of eternity and you still won't get it. You can't because I've created such a large hole for myself that I won't ever be able to dig myself out and you can't even imagine how deep it is.

        …that if you say goodbye today…

I hope we can still be friends after all of this. I hope beyond all hope that this doesn't freeze our relationship where it stands and then it shatters from the pressure of my feelings. There's a brick wall in between us now. On my side 'I love you' is carved on every single brick. On your side are the shards of what was our friendship and you are just walking away.

        …I'd ask you to be true.

I tried to change for you. Even though I couldn't because tears clogged my throat and covered my eyes, I tried. It hurt me a lot because I didn't want to change; still don't want to change. Because I simply can't. But still, I struggled to break out of this river of love, although I couldn't. And even though it tore my heart out, I kept trying. Because my happiness doesn't matter. Only you do.

        'Cause the hardest part of this…

Its much to bright without you, my darkness. The sun is harsh and it shines hard on every flaw, and they are numerous. All the self-hate is thrown out like dirty laundry for everyone to see. Is it because I'm fat that you don't love me? is it because I'm too clingy? What did I do wrong?

        …is leavin' you.

I hate that this is causing you turmoil. I know you feel awkward around me know, because every sexual joke that used to just roll off your back –or mine –is now saw upon and stewed about. You say 'screw you' and I'll say 'I'd rather you didn't'. then you quickly shoot back 'Yeah, I'd really rather not either'. And then I fall into an uncomfortable silence because I really do.

        'Cause the hardest part of this…

The more we drift apart you better believe the harder I will clamp down on the rope that tethers you to me. although I know that clinging too hard on you will only push you away faster, I can't help but try so, so hard to keep you. I will not leave you nor will I allow you to leave me without a fight.

        …is leavin'…

Please, please, please don't hate me for this. I know you're probably reading this now, though I wouldn't be surprised if you weren't, and you just wonder how long I kept all of this sick stuff locked away inside. I didn't even know. I thought that you were just an older sister, but I should've known better. You were always so important to me. because I can't live without you.

        …you…

I need you in my life because I can't bear to live it without you. What on earth could I possibly find to fill the hole that would be left by you? You are an irreplaceable place inside of my heart. I know I'm only a small part of yours, but any part is acceptable. While it will never be enough, I can bear it.
        I love you. And I am so sorry I do.